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Interview

Why do I keep ending up in the same kind of relationships? Why do I feel attracted to someone who ultimately turns out not to be good for me? And why is it so difficult for me to set my boundaries, even when I feel deep down that something is not right? These are questions I hear frequently in my practice.

Love can be one of the most beautiful experiences in our lives. The desire to meet someone with whom we can be ourselves, with whom we can laugh, talk, dream, and build a future is very human. But what happens when love is repeatedly accompanied by uncertainty, sadness, jealousy, disappointment, or the feeling that we are losing ourselves?

Perhaps you have already had several relationships in the past and only discover later that you keep falling for the same type of partner: someone who is loving and involved at first, but who wants to exert more and more control over you over time. Or someone who gives you a lot of attention, but at the same time restricts your personal freedom. You may wonder: Why does this keep happening to me? Why don’t I recognize the signs earlier?

Why do I keep attracting the same type of man or woman? And why do I sometimes stay in a relationship for so long when I’m not really happy? In this blog, I’ll take you into the world of love, love grief, relationship problems, and recurring relationship patterns.

I also share a special and emotional experience from my practice. A young woman came to me with questions about her new relationship. During our session, events from her childhood came to the surface that deeply affected her and helped her to view her own behavior in relationships from a different perspective. Her story shows how important it can be to not only look at the other person, but also at oneself.

Because sometimes understanding your love life starts with experiences that go way back beyond your last relationship.

Why do we always choose the same type of partner?

When a relationship ends, we often try to understand what went wrong. Maybe your partner wasn’t honest. Maybe you felt unappreciated. Maybe there was manipulative behavior, jealousy, emotional distance, or constant conflict. After a breakup, you commit to doing things differently next time. You want to meet someone who respects you. Someone you feel safe with.

Someone who loves you without trying to change you. And yet, over time, you may discover that you have found yourself in a similar situation again. How is that possible? One possible explanation lies in our emotional development. From a young age, we experience experiences with love, attention, safety, trust, and personal boundaries. Within our family, our community, and other important relationships, we learn how people interact with each other. We learn what feels familiar.

How we react to conflicts. Whether we are allowed to express our feelings. And whether our boundaries are respected. Some experiences can continue to have an impact on how we behave in later relationships for years to come.

What feels familiar is not always the same as what is good for you.

That doesn’t mean that everyone with relationship problems has necessarily had a difficult childhood. Relationship patterns can have various causes. But sometimes there is indeed a connection between past experiences and the way someone approaches a mature relationship. That was exactly what emerged during a special encounter in my practice.

A special experience from my practice: why did this relationship not feel good again?

About a month ago I received a client in my practice who was in her thirties Inzicht & Harmonie. She was divorced and the mother of a young daughter. Through a friend who had already had experience with my counseling, she had heard about my work. Her friend had told her about my approach and what she had experienced during her own session. That had made her curious.

She decided to thoroughly review my website and then contacted me for a phone consultation. During such an intake, we discuss the issues that someone is coming to me about and see if my way of working fits in with them. We keep the personal background and substantive answers for the actual session. After our conversation, she decided to make an in-person appointment at my practice. She wanted clarity about her love life in particular.

An earlier relationship full of manipulation and deceit

After her divorce from the father of her daughter, my client had been in a relationship with a man for about a year, whom she had experienced as particularly dominant and manipulative. Initially, she had hoped to find love and happiness again. But tensions grew increasingly intense during the relationship. She felt increasingly insecure and noticed that her partner was trying to exert a lot of influence over her behavior and choices.

Eventually she discovered that he had cheated on her. Moreover, it turned out that he had lied to her about it for a long time. For her, that was the limit. She decided to end the relationship. The deception and disappointment had damaged her confidence. Yet the desire to build a loving and stable relationship again persisted. Not only for herself, but also for her daughter.

And some time later she met a man again.

A kind man, but still something didn't feel right.

Her new partner was particularly loving and attentive at various times. Not only towards her, but also towards her daughter. That meant a lot to her. She saw someone who showed commitment, paid attention, and clearly made it clear that he wanted to build a future with her. But at the same time, she began to feel increasingly uncomfortable. Her partner wanted to develop the relationship at a rapid pace.

He urged them to move in together and would have liked to build a life together as soon as possible. For my client, that all happened too quickly. She wanted to take the time to get to know each other better. Moreover, she had a child for whom she was responsible. Slowly she noticed that her partner struggled with her need for space and independence. He could react very jealousily. He became possessive.

And at some points she experienced his behavior as controlling and suffocating. Yet she remained hesitant. For how could someone who was so loving towards her and her child at the same time cause so much tension? She told me that she increasingly felt that she had to adapt herself to avoid conflicts. And then she asked a question that particularly struck me:

‘How come I already don’t feel good in a relationship anymore?’ It wasn’t just a question about her partner; it was also a question about herself.

What lies behind jealousy, control-seeking and possessive behavior?

During the session, we first decided to pay attention to the man with whom my client was in a relationship at that time. Within my work as a born clairvoyant, I use, among other things, channeling and energetic attunement. In this session, I shared the impressions and information I experienced during the attunement. During this session, strong impressions emerged about his childhood, attachment, and the way he seemed to seek emotional security.

Among other things, I received images and impressions of a difficult childhood and a dominant father figure. It also emerged that he may have experienced experiences that could have influenced his need for control and confirmation. These were my personal observations during the channeling, not established facts or a psychological diagnosis of someone who was not present during the session.

What my client did recognize was his constant need for closeness. She could also confirm that he had experienced a difficult childhood. She felt that he was focused on her and her daughter strongly. As if in their presence he was seeking the security he felt insufficient in himself. But it was precisely that constant need for confirmation that constricted her.

She also said that her partner was not open to seeking professional help to look at his own behavior and possible underlying issues. That made the situation extra complicated for her. Because she saw his sweet side. She also felt understanding for his vulnerability. But at the same time, she felt how her own boundaries were constantly coming under pressure.

Understanding someone does not mean that you have to accept everything.

This is something I find important to emphasize. A difficult childhood, attachment problems, or previous painful experiences can help explain why someone has developed certain behavioral patterns. But they do not justify manipulation, intimidation, or controlling behavior. You can understand that someone is insecure, without having to take responsibility for resolving that insecurity. You can love someone without sacrificing yourself.

And you can feel empathy for your partner’s past while at the same time acknowledging that their behavior is not good for you. Love does not mean that you are responsible for the emotional well-being of the other person. A healthy relationship requires mutual respect, trust, freedom, and responsibility. And that responsibility lies with both partners.

When we looked at her own past, something changed.

After we had thoroughly examined her current relationship, we turned our attention to my client herself. Why did she feel drawn to someone with whom she ultimately experienced little emotional space? Why did she find it so difficult to express her boundaries? And why did she keep hesitating so long about her own feelings? During the channeling, impressions emerged that related to her childhood.

In particular, it was about her relationship with her older brother. As I shared my observations with her, I saw that she became increasingly emotional. I was able to clearly see her brother and his negative behavior towards my client. Slowly, memories and feelings surfaced. She told me that her brother had regularly teased her as a young girl, shouted at her, and scared her.

He was a few years older than her and often determined what happened according to her. When she did something she did not like, he could react in a particularly threatening way. Sometimes he would break her toys. And then he would blame her for that as well. She also said that he threatened her when she told about his behavior to their parents. Because of that, she often did not dare to say anything.

According to her, her parents were unaware of what was happening between the children. Much of it happened when they were not around. My client had learned as a young girl to be careful. To avoid conflicts. To make herself small. And above all to make sure her brother wouldn’t get angry. During the conversation, she burst into tears. The recognition was particularly strong.

When you learn as a child that protecting yourself can be dangerous

What struck me in her story was how strongly the fear from her childhood seemed still connected to her current experiences. As a child, she often felt powerless. She couldn’t just stand up to her older brother. The confusion also plays a big role here, the deep love she feels for him and the loyalty she feels towards him. She didn’t always dare to ask her parents for help.

And defining her boundaries didn’t feel safe to her at the time. Such a prolonged experience can have an impact on how someone later deals with tension and conflict. For example, some children learn that it is safer to keep others happy. That they can better keep quiet than protest. That they have to put their own feelings aside to avoid conflict. Or that love and connection go hand in hand with fear and adaptation.

When such reactions are repeated for years, they can become ingrained behavioral patterns. Not because someone consciously chooses to do so. But because that way of reacting once helped them cope with a difficult situation. During our session, my client began to recognize a possible connection between her experiences as a young girl and her difficulty setting boundaries with dominant men.

What had been a way to protect herself in her youth seemed to make her vulnerable in adult relationships instead. This realization unleashed many emotions.

Questions to her little daughter

She also asked me to contact her daughter. Through channeling I had a conversation with her. She indicated that she felt everything her mother felt about her partner. And the soul of her daughter indicated that it was better to end this relationship. She told us that she wanted her mother to be happy and content. That she could work on herself and that everything would be fine. Her child also told us that her mother would have a very happy relationship that would last forever. This greatly relieved my client.

But it also gave her something else: the insight that she could better understand and change her own behavior.

From recognition to change: an important decision

During our session, my client told me that she no longer wanted to remain stuck in the same relationship patterns. She wanted to understand why she felt so quickly responsible for a partner’s feelings. Why she struggled with saying no. And why she sometimes rationalized her own discomfort when someone could also be loving afterwards. She made it clear that she wanted to work on this. Therefore, we also discussed the possibility of professional therapy.

During the channeling, a certain therapeutic direction emerged that might be relevant to her request for help. I emphasized the importance of discussing the suitability of a treatment with her GP and a qualified therapist. What happened next was particularly valuable to me. My client decided to no longer wait.

That same day, she contacted her GP to make an appointment and discuss the options for referral to therapy. A little while later, I received a personal message from her. She told me that she was now on the waiting list for professional support. But something had changed. She had also decided to end her current relationship. Not because her partner had only bad qualities.

And not because she no longer granted him anything. But because she was increasingly realizing that the relationship, as it was at that moment, did not feel good for her. She no longer wanted to set aside her own boundaries out of fear of disappointing someone.

More peace for herself and her little daughter

In her message, she said that she had experienced more peace since the relationship ended. She also noticed that the atmosphere between her and her daughter had become more relaxed. The constant tension she had felt during her relationship had decreased. That meant a lot to her. She looked forward with confidence to the professional guidance she would receive. Not because all the problems had suddenly been solved.

But because she had made an important decision for herself. She wanted to work on her self-confidence, her boundaries, and the way she would approach future relationships. For me, what was especially meaningful was her willingness to take responsibility for her own development. She had not only experienced recognition. She had also associated it with concrete steps. And sometimes, an important change begins right there.

A peaceful walking path through the greenery

How can experiences from your childhood influence your love life?

My client’s story is not unique. In my practice, I often meet people who notice that certain relationship problems keep recurring. Sometimes it’s abandonment anxiety. Sometimes it’s attachment anxiety. Sometimes it’s a strong desire for affirmation or difficulty being alone. And sometimes someone has learned from an early age to primarily focus on the needs of others.

Within psychology, much attention is paid to the influence of early relationships and attachment experiences on our later functioning. Attachment involves, among other things, how we experience safety, closeness, trust, and independence in relationships. When you have experienced frequent uncertainty, rejection, or fear in relationships in the past, that can have an impact on how you react later when someone comes emotionally close. Perhaps you are constantly afraid of being abandoned.

Perhaps you try to avoid conflict by adjusting yourself. Or perhaps you feel uncomfortable when someone approaches you in a healthy way. That doesn’t automatically mean that you have an attachment disorder. Also, not every difficult love relationship can be traced back to a childhood trauma. What matters is that you learn to be curious about your own reactions. The better you understand yourself, the more conscious you can be in your choices.

Why does an unhealthy relationship sometimes feel like love?

One complex aspect of recurring relationship patterns is that someone who doesn’t suit you well can still evoke strong feelings in you. The attraction can be enormous. You can experience a lot of passion. You can intensely desire someone. And you can feel that there is a special connection between you. But strong attraction is not automatically the same as emotional security. Sometimes, falling in love is reinforced by insecurity. By the constant need for confirmation.

Or because someone alternately gives a lot of attention and then withdraws. When warmth and rejection alternate regularly, an intense emotional dynamic can arise. You keep hoping that the loving moments will return. You try to understand what you did wrong. And you may gradually do more and more to keep the relationship going. This way, you can slowly lose touch with your own needs. Then it becomes a toxic relationship.

The intensity of your feelings does not automatically indicate the quality of the relationship. Healthy love does not have to be constantly exciting, uncertain, or complicated. Love can also provide peace and comfort.

When does jealousy become unhealthy?

A little bit of jealousy can occur in relationships. It is a human emotion that can arise, for example, when someone is afraid of losing a loved one. But there is an important difference between a sense of insecurity and behavior that attempts to limit another person’s freedom. When a partner constantly wants to know where you are, who you are talking to, or why you are not responding immediately, it can become overwhelming.

The same applies when someone gets angry because you want to spend time with friends or family. Or when you feel like you have to constantly justify your actions. Sometimes controlling behavior is packaged as anxiety. I’m just afraid of losing you. I just want to be with you. If you really love me, you take my feelings into account. That might sound loving.

But when your freedom and personal boundaries become increasingly smaller, that deserves serious attention. In an unhealthy or toxic relationship, it’s not about one annoying incident or a single quarrel. It’s mainly about behavioral patterns in which control, fear, manipulation, humiliation, or emotional insecurity play a recurring role. However, you don’t have to first determine whether your relationship is officially ‘toxic’ to take it seriously that you don’t feel well.

Your discomfort is in itself a reason to pause and reflect on what is happening.

Why is setting boundaries sometimes so difficult?

For people who are used to adapting themselves, setting boundaries can be particularly complicated. Perhaps you are afraid that someone will get angry. Perhaps you feel guilty when you say no. Or perhaps you think you are selfish when you choose for yourself. But setting a boundary does not mean rejecting the other person. It means making it clear what feels good and bad to you.

In a healthy relationship, for example, you can say that you don’t want to live together yet. That you need time to yourself. That you want to maintain contact with your own friends and family. Or that certain behaviors make you sad or insecure. A partner doesn’t always have to agree with your wishes. But there must be space to express them. Without threat. Without intimidation.

And without you having to constantly worry about the reaction. When someone consistently doesn’t respect your boundaries, that’s important information about the relationship.

How do you recognize recurring patterns in love?

Sometimes it helps to ask yourself some honest questions. Not to condemn yourself, but to gain insight into your own behavior.

Some answers can be confronting. But awareness doesn’t have to come with self-blame. You made choices in the past based on the knowledge, feelings, and circumstances you had at the time. Now you can explore what you want to do differently.

Can someone change with manipulative or controlling behavior?

I hear this question frequently during consultations. People want to know if their partner can change. Whether they still need to be patient. Or whether they should continue to invest. And whether there might still be a future together after all. People can change. But for that, usually requires that someone is willing to face their own behavior and is prepared to take real responsibility for it.

Just saying that things will be different from now on is not the same as lasting behavioral change. It is important to look at what someone is actually doing. Are your boundaries respected? Can your partner take responsibility without blaming everything on you? Is there a willingness to look at themselves? And do you feel safe enough to be honest? When someone needs help, professional guidance can be useful.

But you cannot force someone to develop personally. And you do not have to make your own well-being depend on the hope that someone will ever change. In situations of threat, intimidation, or violence, safety comes first. In such situations, specialized help may be more important than trying to improve the relationship together.

Love grief after ending an unhealthy relationship

Ending a relationship can be extremely difficult. Even when you know the relationship wasn’t good for you. You may miss the beautiful moments. The conversations. The physical closeness. The shared plans. Or the future you envisioned. That can be confusing. You may be relieved that the relationship is over, but at the same time experience intense feelings of grief. Those feelings do not cancel each other out.

Sometimes you miss not just the person, but especially the image of the relationship you had hoped for. You grieve for what could have been. For expectations that did not come true. And perhaps also for the trust you had placed in someone again. Especially when you have been previously deceived, rejected, or hurt, a new relationship break-up can evoke old pain. But grief over love does not mean that you made the wrong decision.

You can miss someone and still know that taking distance is better for you.

Give yourself time to process that sadness. Not every difficult relationship has to be followed immediately by a new love. Sometimes it’s valuable to first rediscover who you are, apart from a partner.

Self-love does not mean that you will never be insecure again

The word “self-love” is used a lot nowadays. But what does it really mean? For me, self-love isn’t about constantly thinking that you’re amazing. Nor is it about always being strong or never doubting again. It’s mostly about taking yourself seriously. About paying attention to your own feelings. About learning to recognize your boundaries. And about not constantly putting yourself last.

Self-love can mean that you dare to admit that a relationship is causing you distress. That you seek help when you notice that certain patterns keep recurring. Or that you decide to stay single for the time being because you want to focus on your own development first. It can also mean that you learn to receive love and attention without feeling that you have to constantly prove yourself for it.

You don’t have to be perfect to earn a healthy relationship. You can grow as you learn to love.

How do you break unhealthy relationship patterns?

Recurring patterns of change often begin with recognition. Perhaps you discover that you keep falling in love with emotionally unavailable partners. Or that you especially gravitate towards people who need a lot of reassurance. Perhaps you notice that you have a strong need to help, protect, or save others. Or that you withdraw when someone gets too close. It can help to explore the underlying emotions behind these reactions.

Are you afraid of being rejected? Do you only feel valuable when someone needs you? Or do you find it difficult to trust a relationship in which there is no ongoing tension? Sometimes you can already gain more insight into this by consciously reflecting on past experiences. But when fear, traumatic experiences, or deeply rooted patterns play a significant role, professional psychological guidance can be particularly valuable.

A qualified therapist can help you process experiences and develop new ways to deal with emotions, boundaries, and relationships. The goal is not to become someone else. The goal is to experience more freedom in how you interact with yourself and others.

Can you learn to trust again after betrayal or a relationship breakup?

When you’ve been betrayed, manipulated, or emotionally hurt, it can be difficult to let someone in again. Perhaps you’re constantly on the lookout for signs that something is wrong. Perhaps you unconsciously compare a new partner to someone from your past. Or perhaps you even doubt whether someone is genuinely friendly and involved. Restoring trust sometimes takes time. It’s not just about regaining trust in another person; it’s also about rebuilding trust in yourself.

It also involves developing trust in yourself. In your ability to take signals seriously. To ask questions. To set boundaries. And to make choices when a relationship no longer feels right for you. You don’t have to eliminate all risks before you can fall in love again. No relationship offers absolute certainty.

But you can learn to distinguish better between healthy connection and a relationship in which you constantly lose yourself.

Love and relationships: when do you stay and when do you leave?

Not every relationship that creates problems needs to be ended. People are different after all. Misunderstandings can arise. Partners can go through difficult life stages. And sometimes it temporarily isn’t possible to understand each other well. When both partners are willing to communicate openly, take responsibility, and respect each other’s boundaries, there can be room to grow together. But there are also situations where staying the same means constantly having to adapt.

When you are structurally afraid of your partner’s reaction. When manipulation or control keeps recurring. When your needs are not given any space. Or when the other person continues to reject responsibility. Then it is important not to solely focus on how much you love someone. But also on what the relationship with you does. An important question is not just: ‘Do I love this person?’

But also: ‘How do I feel when I am with this person?’ That difference can clarify a lot.

Help with relationship problems: how I observe things within my practice

In my work as a born clairvoyant, mental coach, confidant and sparring partner, I have been guiding people for over 37 years with personal and business life questions. Love and relationships This is an important topic. Sometimes someone comes to me with questions about a new love. Sometimes it’s about uncertainty within an existing relationship. Or about love grief after a divorce or relationship breakup. I also meet people who notice that they keep finding themselves in similar situations again and again.

During a personal session, I work with you to explore what you are preoccupied with. Depending on the question, I use my intuitive observations and channeling to help you understand it. I share what I experience and together we explore what meaning that may have for your situation. It is important to me to distinguish between a personal observation, your own experiences, and things that can actually be determined.

An energetic alignment can, for example, lead to a different way of looking at a situation. But it is not a psychological diagnosis and does not provide certainty about a person’s thoughts, past, or intentions. I also cannot predict whether a partner will actually change or whether a relationship will survive. My starting point is that you yourself have control over your life and your choices. Sometimes talking can help to organize feelings.

Sometimes a new perspective arises. And sometimes it becomes clear during a session that additional professional guidance is desirable. As in the case of my client, who after our meeting decided to seek help to further explore the experiences from her childhood and her recurring relationship patterns. My counseling does not replace psychological treatment, but can be an additional form of personal support for people who recognize themselves in my approach.

Frequently asked questions about love and recurring relationship patterns

Why do I keep falling for the same type of man or woman?

There can be several reasons for this. Sometimes familiarity, previous relationship experiences, attachment patterns, or beliefs about love play a role. Personal preferences and circumstances can also influence this. By examining recurring situations, you can gain a better understanding of what attracts you and what you truly need.

Why do I stay in a relationship that isn’t good for me?

That may be related to love, hope for change, fear of loneliness, financial or practical dependence, children, or difficulty setting boundaries. Emotional connection and uncertainty may also play a role. There is no one explanation that applies to everyone.

How do I recognize a manipulative relationship?

Pay particular attention to recurring behaviors in which you are pressured, start to doubt yourself, constantly experience feelings of guilt, or notice that your personal freedom is increasingly restricted. A single conflict does not automatically mean that someone is manipulative. It is about the pattern and the consequences for your well-being.

What is the difference between attachment anxiety and separation anxiety?

In abandonment anxiety, the fear is centered on losing someone. In attachment anxiety, on the other hand, emotional closeness or long-term connection can evoke tension. These terms are often used to describe relationship behavior, but in themselves do not constitute a diagnosis.

Can a childhood trauma affect my relationships?

Yes. Traumatic experiences from childhood can have an impact on self-confidence, safety, trust, and the setting of boundaries. That does not mean that everyone with a difficult childhood will later develop unhealthy relationships. The impact varies greatly from person to person.

Can I change my relationship patterns?

With awareness, practice, and, if necessary, professional guidance, many people can develop new ways of dealing with relationships. Change usually takes time and does not have to happen all at once.

When is professional help advisable?

When you experience a lot of anxiety, persistent uncertainty, traumatic memories, or relationship problems that affect your daily functioning, talking with your GP or a qualified psychologist can be a good step.

What my client's story showed me again

When I received the message from my client after our session, what struck me most was her determination. She had had an emotional and confronting conversation. She had shared memories that had barely found space for a long time. And she had become more aware of possible connections between her childhood and the way she reacted in relationships. But what I found most important was what she did herself afterwards. She contacted her GP.

She decided to seek professional guidance. She made a choice about her relationship. And she began consciously paying attention to her own well-being and that of her daughter. That takes courage. Because it is not always easy to let go of familiar patterns. Not even when you know they make you unhappy. I hope her story can offer recognition to people who wonder why love always feels so complicated.

Perhaps you recognize something of her fear of setting boundaries. Perhaps you have experienced a relationship yourself where love and control were intertwined. Or perhaps after multiple disappointments, you have lost some confidence in yourself. Whatever your situation is, it can be valuable to not only look at the people you have met, but also at what you have learned about yourself.

Not to blame yourself. But to understand yourself better. Your past can influence how you love today. But it doesn’t have to completely determine how your future relationships will look like.

Maybe a healthy love begins with yourself

Love doesn’t have to be perfect. A healthy relationship also includes difficult moments, misunderstandings, and differences. But love shouldn’t constantly take away your sense of security, self-worth, and freedom. You have the right to desire someone who respects you. Who listens to you. Who respects your boundaries. And someone who doesn’t constantly make you feel smaller.

Perhaps a new phase in your love life doesn’t begin with meeting another partner. But with discovering what you need to feel safe, valued, and loved. With learning to recognize your boundaries. With processing old pain. Or with realizing that you are not responsible for solving another person’s problems.

Sometimes the most important change in your love life isn’t meeting a different type of partner, but learning to deal with yourself differently. And maybe that’s the beginning of a love in which you no longer have to lose yourself.

Are you stuck in love, love grief, or recurring relationship problems?

Perhaps you recognize yourself in this story. Perhaps you wonder why you keep falling for the same kind of partner. Or maybe you’re currently in a relationship where you’re unsure whether you’re still happy. You don’t need to know exactly where those feelings come from. And you don’t have to make a decision immediately either. Sometimes it helps to first calmly look at your own story.

In my practice Inzicht & Harmonie in Capelle aan den IJssel, near Rotterdam, I offer personal guidance on love questions, relationship problems, love grief, recurring patterns, and important life choices. This can be done during a personal session in my practice, but also by phone or online. My way of working is warm, involved, clear and confidential. Without judgment. Without pressure. And without promises of a certain outcome.

If you feel like you want to calmly discuss your situation, you are more than welcome to contact me. During a telephone intake interview We get to know each other and discuss what topics interest you and whether my approach fits your question. You don’t need to have all the answers immediately. Perhaps your story begins simply with: ‘Why does this keep happening to me?’ Or:

‘I no longer know if this relationship is good for me.’ You can also contact them about that.